All I’ve Been and All I’ve Learned

It has been such a long time since I sat still and wrote, contemplated. I feel like I’m losing my muse – even worse now I feel like the ability to control my inner peace has decreased slowly. But I won’t let that happen. That’s why today I dedicate this very time to think and write. A blissful, serene moment I have missed for months. Why? Well, maybe because my life has been rolling with a very fast pace that I become so busy trying to keep up with it. And today I will look back, to where I’ve been. And hopefully I can find something I have learned throughout this time.

Life has been good. By good, it doesn’t mean it’s perfect. Good means despite of all the unfavorable things that occurred to me, I haven’t – even for once – thought of trading my life with anything else. I enjoyed every bit of it.

Life moves really fast, sometimes I want to slow down. Embracing things I have now and letting go of everything that’s now gone. ‘Me time’ is hardly experienced, or maybe it’s not. It’s just me who has not spend it wisely. Work, social life, family matter, has consumed most of my time. My mind is always fully occupied with stuffs. The only time I have for myself is when I’m sleeping or going to the gym.

I’ve been going through a life which should be familiar for grown ups; full of responsibilities. Everyday feels like juggling from one role to another plus trying to stay sane. Sometimes it’s really chaos and messy, but I’m glad I survived. I’m glad I managed to stay sane, too.

Lately I just go with the flow (I don’t know if this is good or bad, some people are obsessed with life goals and I just couldn’t care so much about it right now). I’m doing my best, that’s all I can think of. And if it makes me happy now, it’s all that matters.

Now the hard part.. what I have learned. Not doing any reflection and contemplation does not do any good to myself, really. I feel like I’m missing out the lessons God have put in between the problems, the successes, the failures, and the everyday life. I managed to collect some, though, I hope it’s enough – at least for the next couple of weeks.

It’s amazing how much we can learn when things don’t go our way. Every time we struggle to deal with unfavorable thing, we are learning. We drill our patience and ego, for example. It’s up to us, whether to choose learning or yawning and complaining (or maybe we can just choose all three).

We only know so little about someone, be careful of what we’re going to say to them. If it’s too late, then apologize. It’s better than being ignorant.

There are still good things in this world. Though it’s not ours – yet. Cause maybe it’s ours tomorrow, or the next day after tomorrow, or anytime soon.

We don’t need to tell everything. Big challenge for me because I like to tell even the tiniest thing that happens in my life. But I know no one wants to hear about it forever, so I have to learn to be enough with myself. No one needs to know everything about my life.

It’s okay. I used to be quite hard on myself, I have to always look at my life in the best way possible. I have to response to anything in a positive way. I have to be happy 24/7, fake it till I make it. But lately I just can’t. I once felt so miserable that can’t think positively. I let myself be miserable and angry and sad. I let myself be less friendly to people for a while. I let myself be super sarcastic. After that moment I realize that it’s okay. It’s okay to let our guards fall sometimes. It’s okay to let the negative side of ourselves out sometimes. It’s okay.

Endurance requires lot of efforts, but it will be good for us. When I run, I always feel like I want to give up. I hate running so much. 5 minutes run is way too much for me, while I can survive 2 hours zumba. So I challenge myself to be able to run longer. The same goes to everything that I hate but is actually good for me. Like letting people go, controlling my crave for food, and saving money. They all are hard but I have to endure, somehow.

That’s all I’ve been and all I’ve learned.

♥ Atiqah Zulfa Nadia