All I’ve Been and All I’ve Learned

It has been such a long time since I sat still and wrote, contemplated. I feel like I’m losing my muse – even worse now I feel like the ability to control my inner peace has decreased slowly. But I won’t let that happen. That’s why today I dedicate this very time to think and write. A blissful, serene moment I have missed for months. Why? Well, maybe because my life has been rolling with a very fast pace that I become so busy trying to keep up with it. And today I will look back, to where I’ve been. And hopefully I can find something I have learned throughout this time.

Life has been good. By good, it doesn’t mean it’s perfect. Good means despite of all the unfavorable things that occurred to me, I haven’t – even for once – thought of trading my life with anything else. I enjoyed every bit of it.

Life moves really fast, sometimes I want to slow down. Embracing things I have now and letting go of everything that’s now gone. ‘Me time’ is hardly experienced, or maybe it’s not. It’s just me who has not spend it wisely. Work, social life, family matter, has consumed most of my time. My mind is always fully occupied with stuffs. The only time I have for myself is when I’m sleeping or going to the gym.

I’ve been going through a life which should be familiar for grown ups; full of responsibilities. Everyday feels like juggling from one role to another plus trying to stay sane. Sometimes it’s really chaos and messy, but I’m glad I survived. I’m glad I managed to stay sane, too.

Lately I just go with the flow (I don’t know if this is good or bad, some people are obsessed with life goals and I just couldn’t care so much about it right now). I’m doing my best, that’s all I can think of. And if it makes me happy now, it’s all that matters.

Now the hard part.. what I have learned. Not doing any reflection and contemplation does not do any good to myself, really. I feel like I’m missing out the lessons God have put in between the problems, the successes, the failures, and the everyday life. I managed to collect some, though, I hope it’s enough – at least for the next couple of weeks.

It’s amazing how much we can learn when things don’t go our way. Every time we struggle to deal with unfavorable thing, we are learning. We drill our patience and ego, for example. It’s up to us, whether to choose learning or yawning and complaining (or maybe we can just choose all three).

We only know so little about someone, be careful of what we’re going to say to them. If it’s too late, then apologize. It’s better than being ignorant.

There are still good things in this world. Though it’s not ours – yet. Cause maybe it’s ours tomorrow, or the next day after tomorrow, or anytime soon.

We don’t need to tell everything. Big challenge for me because I like to tell even the tiniest thing that happens in my life. But I know no one wants to hear about it forever, so I have to learn to be enough with myself. No one needs to know everything about my life.

It’s okay. I used to be quite hard on myself, I have to always look at my life in the best way possible. I have to response to anything in a positive way. I have to be happy 24/7, fake it till I make it. But lately I just can’t. I once felt so miserable that can’t think positively. I let myself be miserable and angry and sad. I let myself be less friendly to people for a while. I let myself be super sarcastic. After that moment I realize that it’s okay. It’s okay to let our guards fall sometimes. It’s okay to let the negative side of ourselves out sometimes. It’s okay.

Endurance requires lot of efforts, but it will be good for us. When I run, I always feel like I want to give up. I hate running so much. 5 minutes run is way too much for me, while I can survive 2 hours zumba. So I challenge myself to be able to run longer. The same goes to everything that I hate but is actually good for me. Like letting people go, controlling my crave for food, and saving money. They all are hard but I have to endure, somehow.

That’s all I’ve been and all I’ve learned.

 

♥ Atiqah Zulfa Nadia

 

 

Advertisements

A very honest post

It gets lonely sometimes.. when the day ends; I get home, crawl into bed and hide under the blanket.

It’s amazing how being busy can make us ignore disturbing thoughts. Yet every night, there’s a solitary moment we all have to go through.

Having nothing to take care of, all the brain can think is about the matters we have been neglecting all day long. It goes round and round until I get so tired and finally sleep. And that seconds before I close my eyes, is the time where I feel lonely.

I wish there’s someone I could rest my mind to.

Since there’s none, for now, this solitude should be enough. Myself, should be enough. Keeping everything that pops and wanders on my mind to myself has to be enough. Having myself is enough.

When the loneliness tries to break in, I know it’s time to sleep.

The Lonely Rhino

The last male northern white rhino has died. The species will soon be extinct. What is more saddening is that his daughter and granddaughter will never meet the love of their lives. How sad it is to live alone… knowing that there will be no friends, no one to share anything with.

I don’t want to be that rhino. I don’t want to feel lonely.

Women and Their Choices

One of the things that I’m grateful for is to be surrounded by inspiring women. A friend at work, managers and director in the company I work for, good friends of mine, people I follow in social media, family members, and of course my own mother. What makes it interesting is that all of those women live a different path of life. They are inspiring and successful in their own way.

That makes me realize that there’s no single ‘right path’ for women to follow in this world. But, there are some paths that are accepted by the society (and maybe the norms of a culture). As consequences, there are paths that aren’t.

Men also make choices, just like women. However, they rarely get questioned by their choices. Unlike women. Women and their choices are often (if not always) questioned. As if there’s a rigid rule that women should life this way and not the other way.

In fact, there’s none. Some women choose to get married young, some choose later. Some women choose to have kids now, some choose later or even not at all. There are women who work, some others don’t. And the list goes on.

I know we can’t shut everybody’s opinion. There’s always someone who doesn’t have the same perspective, who see things differently. It doesn’t mean that they’re right and we’re wrong or vice versa. Just because something works best for them, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the best thing for everybody.

What we all can do, just like what we all do to deal with differences, is to respect each other’s choices. Don’t judge. Don’t stereotype. Don’t measure success only from one perspective. Always try to look for the best thing in a person and respect her. Appreciate her. Compliment her for her ability to reach the position she has now. Congratulate her for getting a PhD. Compliment her for raising a brilliant kids.

There’s a reason why a woman chooses particular path, and who are we to judge if we haven’t been on her shoes? Women who don’t get married, maybe they really want to but there’s just seems to be no man that fit to their criteria. Mothers who work, maybe they want to give all her time for their kids but they must support the family. Wives who haven’t got kids, maybe they have tried all their best to be a mother. Those awesome women who pursue high education, they just love learning and in the future their knowledge maybe very useful for the next generation.

Seek for a good thing and say only kind words (and we can give constructive advice and feedback, too. Constructive, not destructive). Because for a woman, to live a life with their choices is hard already. Thus, to be able to live a life she’s chosen is actually an achievement. Respect her.

All women are struggling hard to make a life worth living, to contribute as much as they could to the world (just like normal human being). Insights that I got from reading Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In is that no woman is living an ideal life. We all are juggling all our responsibilities, trying to maintain the expectation of the societies. And for that simple reason, it’s clear enough that we all should be considerate of each other instead of destroying each other’s choices and values.

❤️ Atiqah Zulfa Nadia

Thoughts on Finding the One Part IV

I’m done with guessing how would it feels like when we finally meet the one. The ‘you just knew’ or ‘your stomach fills with butterflies’ is an abstract description and I hardly find anyone that makes me feel that way. Therefore I have to say that I’m going to stick with the idea that when a guy wants to be with you, he’s going to show it. He’s going to make sure that you know how he feels and it should be crystal clear to you. He won’t make you wonder.

He lets you destroy the perfect plan he has made initially and manages to squeeze you in to his life agenda. And your life together will start as soon as possible.

If all other things are checked, I guess that’s how I’m going to finally find the one.

❤️ Atiqah Zulfa Nadia

Life in Constant Gratitude

2017 has been beyond awesome. There’s no other way to best describes the year other than: life in constant gratitude. God, life, people, and the whole universe have been so kind to me throughout the year. I would be such a terrible person if I don’t end the year feeling content and happy.

On Passing the Storm

Life is an endless series of trials and challenges. We all are created in such perfection and complemented with all the skills and ability to conquer the storm that life throws us. Or at least to survive it. Once in a while, life surprises us with unexpected and unfavorable circumstances. Failed at a test, missed a deadline, trapped in a job we hate, unable to get what we wanted the most in life, and all the things that are off the plan (our plan, of course).

I’m lucky that my parents raised me very well and I have such an amazing support system around me. They all have helped me went through all those unfavorable situation and what’s even better is that they all have accompanied me in every best moments of my life. I’m grateful for my ability to control my emotion during the storm, to stay positive, to remain calm, and to finally sort things out.

On Friendship

As we grow older, our inner circle gets smaller and smaller. We become less comfortable with too many people around (well, I am). I choose the people I want to be very close to and I keep them around. I am very glad that my closest friends are those who are kind, who bring so much joys, who encourage me to be a better person, who share their stories and their knowledge, who have been there for me, who discuss all the important things in life with me, and who have stayed and kept up with me all these times. I truly treasure the friendship I have now and I am fully aware that we might grow apart at some point in life, so I just want the guys to know that I can’t thank God enough that they have been for once a very close friend of mine that I love very, very much.

When you’re twenty-something, it seems like your best friends are the only one who understand you the most. And that’s a valid reason enough to be grateful for their presence.

On Life Lessons and Staying Inspired

I remember during an interview I was asked “how do you see yourself in life?” and that time I spontaneously answered “I always learn, who I am today is not who I was one or two years ago.” For the sake of keeping my own promise, I continuously seek for lessons in life. In fact, it’s not hard and life lessons are actually everywhere. The things we see, people we meet, things that happen to us, etc. I am blessed with such life that teaches me lessons everywhere it takes me. In 2017, I learned especially self-value and inner peace. Self-value is different from being narcissist or snob. Self-value simply means acknowledging ourselves and know how much we’re worth so that we will never settle for less than we deserve. When we value ourselves, we will love ourselves and do what’s best for us. For instance, start to control the sugar intake, take care of our body, etc. It’s simply another way of being grateful to God. Inner peace is something everyone has to master. Or else we will get easily pissed off and things will get messy very quickly, we’ll end up regretting. Having an inner peace (although not all the time), I found myself living a more relaxed life. In the midst of everything moving in such a rush, I feel utterly relieved to be able to slow things down.

Life lessons help us grow. Stay inspired, too. It keeps us motivated in life. I am surrounded by amazing people that inspire me to achieve great things in life and in the afterlife, to be kind, to live healthy, and to live the life in the best way possible. Inspiration does not come from other people only, we can read a book and be inspired. Or watch movie. We just have to keep looking for it, because things like motivation and inspiration are not given, they are earned.

On Love

One of the greatest things in life is to love and to be loved. I have sooo much love around me this year. I’m grateful that love is here all along and for once I took the chance (and the risk) to love again. No matter how it turned out, I’m glad that I opened my heart and I’m glad it happened. I’m still being very careful at loving, but I know now that I’m capable of loving again.

On Travel and Adventures

I didn’t go to too many new places this year, but I do have some great adventures. I went to my very first caving experience in 2017. One hell of a activity – probably won’t do it ever again. I also went to Labuan Bajo and Palembang, both remarked my first time to step my two feet in Nusa Tenggara and Sumatera. Since my everyday life has been pretty much mediocre, time-off brings such pleasures and recharges my whole self.

 

I’m overwhelmed with all good things that happened in 2017, I can barely remember things that pissed me off or made me sad. I’m very hopeful for 2018, as I have sooo many wishes I would like to come true next year *fingerscrossed* 🙂

 

♥ Atiqah Zulfa Nadia

The Truth

“Isn’t there a danger that you’ll get so good at being single, that you’ll miss out on the chance to be with somebody great?”

There is a bliss in solitude. There is a pride of being independent. And only once one can feel joy out of solitude, she can feel joy out of being with someone else. But the question remains. How good at being single does one has to be?

Some people have been living a tough life, some others are having a rather easy life. Several conditions in life (and in love) shape people to be strong, independent, and maybe cold. The characters reflect on their face and the way they behave. It somehow creates a barrier for other people to see through. Independent person is often avoided by other people (especially by those whose looking for a partner), people who enjoy solitude are sometimes avoided too because other people think that they are already happy and not keen on having a relationship.

Should we not try so hard to be good at being single then…?

What they don’t know is no matter how good someone is at being single, there’s always a room for someone else. There’s a blank space that is waiting for someone to occupy. There’s a secret longing of being with someone. No matter how much independent a person is and how much she can sort things out on her own, she’d love to have a company; a partner to go through life.

Humans are created in pairs and we’re by nature a social creature. There’s a need and a desire to interact with other people, to start a conversation. One can never always survive alone. There is a point in life where a person finally decided that he/she is ready to collaborate with another human being and survive life together.

I hope when the time comes, despite how good I am at being single, I don’t miss out the chance to be with someone great. Ever.

❤️ Atiqah Zulfa Nadia

Notes on Letting Go

Sometimes we fall in love and we try to stay in love but it just doesn’t work out. It doesn’t necessarily mean a bad thing, though. It shouldn’t be a sad kind of letting go. In fact, we can actually learn to appreciate things differently from it. Not all that ends are hurt.

Above all, we should accept and embrace that things don’t always go as expected. Yet it is still wonderful that we have once experienced love, even for only a short period of time. It was once there. We were once happy. It was once a good kind of love, a love that enlightened our days, that made us excited to see what the future would brings.

We ought to be grateful for the experience. For being courageous enough to open our heart and try. For believing, all over again, that all love meant was to be kind. It never meant to hurt us in any way.

Only by this time, we’re able to peacefully let go. And if one day it comes back, maybe it is meant to be. If not, better things await.

Have faith 🙂

❤️ Atiqah Zulfa Nadia

It’s Okay, It’s Love

Falling in love was once easy. Two people meet and gravitate towards each other. The chemistry is built effortlessly and the emotion flows naturally. The two are happily committed to one another and foolishly think that the relationship they’re in right now will last a lifetime.

Falling in love gets harder, especially after we had our heart broken by someone we truly love. Someone we once thought will be our better half in some years time.

This time, not only the heart that decides. The brain gives it’s perspective too. It has a lot of considerations and unnecessary (or sometimes necessary) anxieties about us throwing ourselves to the same feeling that had destroyed us in the past.

It’s not merely about i like him and he likes me anymore. We start to think about whether it is worth all the risks. We ask repeatedly to ourselves if it’s truly the love that we deserve. We over analyze everything. We doubt our feelings. We become hesitant in falling in love. It is a tight war between denial and acceptance, we can’t seem to be honest about our own feeling because we’re too afraid of another disappointment.

Some people then choose to be alone and avoid falling in love.

A guard is built, strong and steady, to protect the heart from allowing another bad person to enter. Yet some people say that we will only get better once we open our heart. Let the new beginning comes in. So then we try, slowly letting other people come. And everyday we pray that this time is going to be different, this time the love will stay forevermore. When one day it feels different and it somehow makes perfect sense with this person, we have to be honest. If it’s love then it’s love. And it’s okay to love.

When we love, it feels somehow terrifying. But… it’s okay, it’s just love.

❤️ Atiqah Zulfa Nadia

Thoughts on Finding the One Part III

Have I told you that I love wedding very very much? Well, if I haven’t, I do. I love how the ceremony radiates happiness to people and brings a warm feeling in their hearts. To me, it’s magical. There’s something about it that cannot be described into words. This weekend I witnessed the wedding of two of my best friends. It got me to think, again, about finding the one.

The story of how my best friends met their spouse is somewhat unexpected. The first best friend, he met his wife when he was traveling. Back then, one chance came to him. One little chance that he bravely took, which was to talk to the girl, brought him to his true love. Who would guess that a small talk can help you in finding the one? The second best friend is not much of a difference. The man she’s now married to has never crossed her mind before. Without warning, he came to her life and decided that she is the one. Then she said yes.

Love comes in the most unexpected way, some said. For the two of my best friends, it’s true. But I personally think, sometimes love comes to us and somehow we already predict that love is going to happen. So it’s also expected and pretty munch predictable. Because for some people, they have built a long and strong relationship before they decided she/he is the one. Some others are trapped in a platonic relationship until they finally realize that they are a match made in heaven. Every love story is unique. There’s no two identical love story. Thus, I believe, we have to be open to many different opportunities and possibilities. The expected, the unexpected, the ‘too good to be true’, the ‘there’s no way I can be with her/him’.. anything. And once we realize that we have settle our heart to someone, we should be truly honest with ourselves, admit and embrace the feeling. Because in any love story, whether expected or unexpected, all it takes is one chance and a bold courage to make it come true. Without being honest with ourselves, how are we going to see the opportunity and build the courage?

As Stevie Wonder said, for in romance all true love need is a chance.

❤️ Atiqah Zulfa Nadia